we are all sinners.

a reminder to myself, and all.

charity begins at home. don't depend on masjid to do all the job that we should be doing. talk about changing the ummah. start in our own home first. wallahualam.

Oh you who believe save yourselves and your families from a fire!
-surah at-tahrim 66:6-

stop this deadly epidemic in our society, people.

if tomorrow never comes.

" insecure. that's how i felt for the past 48 hours. it's like you dont feel safe at all. you become suspicious of everything and everyone seems to be more like a foe than a friend to you. your senses become sensitive. you learn to trust your instinct. you depend on those who are just totally different from you but all you have in common is this same feeling; insecurity "

" suddenly you talk with those you'd never talked to. you sleep with those you'd never slept with. you smile to almost everyone. those who you'd never thought will care for you, do care after all "

this is what i'd experienced a few months ago. these lines are from my diary which i wrote at that time 30/1/2011. of course, i cant just wrote everything in my diary here, for sure. but just now, as i was lepaking with irna, as we talked about how can this semester seems to be very short. and then we realized, what happened a few months ago. an experience, which to me was a bit traumatic. but I'd learned so much from it. so much. as we reminisce, all this feelings come back to me. and to irna too, for sure. :P

" last night, i didnt sleep. i woke up almost every hour just to check whether farhanah and in are breathing. i heard so many things. gunshots, people screaming and shouting, babies crying. and at all time, i cant help but thinking of ways of escaping in case someone breaks in our house. it was absurd. so many strategies were formed in my brain. as if you have so many things gushing into your mind all at once. suddenly, nothing else matters. . all you care is how to make it through the night. no further plans beyond that"

yes. we thought of nothing else. we just want to live. we just hope and pray that we can get out of the house, and go to another safer place. where there is lots of people. malaysian people. our people.

i thought of nothing else. suddenly i dont care what my future have for me. i dont care whether i'll become a doctor or not. i dont care if i will ever get married or not. i dont care what my results will turn out to be *sebab masa tu baru je habis exam* my dreams, my plans, whatever, i just dont care anymore. i just dont like being in this situation. i just want to get out of this situation. i just hope that all of us will be breathing tomorrow. that i will still have the opportunity to become a better person. oh allah, i promise i'll be better. because i'm just not ready to die yet. i dont think i've been a good muslim all these 20 years of my life. please. if only i can see my parents' faces one last time. i'm longing for them. i've been a very bad daughter indeed. i still need to do a lot of things for them. and to my sisters, i'm the worst eldest sister ever. so many times, i didnt show them my best example. and to my friends. yes, there are times that i do them wrong. if you just give me this second chance.

and i thought i was the only one who felt that way that night. turned out to be irna too, felt the same thing. and i'm sure, all of us who had experienced "the darkest night of egypt"- the time when all the banduans were running freely out in the streets, felt the same way, as i did.

and yet, when malaysia's government came to bring us back home. when we were safely back in our comfy home back in malaysia. when mubarak finally stepped down. when everything turns right again. when we started our studies again here, peacefully. maybe, these few months, just maybe, maybe we forget about things that happened that night. i know, i did forget some of the details. if irna and i didnt lepak at sun steffano after icdl, most probably, i will keep on forgetting the thoughts that i have that night. that maybe Allah is giving me a second chance. most probably, Allah is giving us all a second chance. just like how Allah gives egypt her second chance.

so yes, if, just let's say, what if tomorrow never comes, what are we plan to do?

dedicated to the man of my life.

when i was a little girl, i was not like the other kids. i'm not a fan of barbie doll. i dont play video games. * that's the reason why my ipod has no games in it* i dont play sports. *that's why i'm montel indeed* i do have some friends. but we usually talk more than we play. and at that time, i was a bit anti-social.

my childhood was filled with educational stuff. when i first got number 1 in my class, abah bought me 4 books of science thingy *i dont quite remember* i was seven. i dont actually know the stuff, but i just like to look at the pictures. and just within few days, i thought, hey, i can understand this. he also bought me kisah nabi-nabi. which i also finished reading it by a few days. and yes, now i think i need to read it again, despite of the numerous medical books that i have to read.

my house was filled with books. abah and mama have lots and lots of encyclopedia. and yes, i was seven, and i already read about cleopatra, and earthquake, and picasso and alexander the great. at that time, i was amazed by the pyramids *funny how i am so close with pyramid now, but still dont have the opportunity to go there* yes, i dare say, i was a bookworm.

since that day on, i read most of the books in my house. abah and mama is not a doctor, but yes we do have some health and medical books at that time. that was the time that i believe in magic. that books are fill with wonders.

abah realized my fondness towards books. therefore, if he wants to buy me any present, it will be a book. he also tries to encourage all my sisters to read books. but not all of us have the same interest. hehe.

abah is a very educational father indeed. i remember the times when we went for a holiday. he always asks us to bring a note book. we usually go to the museums, and planetariums. there was one time we went to the tea plantation, and he asked us to take notes of it. for he will then wanted us to tell him back, how tea was made.

now abah, turning 57. unemployed. and still educate himself and his daughters, as well as his wife. i watch him most of the nights, reading different books, before he goes to sleep. now that most of her daughters are taking medicine, i think he knows more about medicine more than we do. :)

so here it goes, happy birthday abah. alhamdulillah, allah sends me a father like you. a man who used to be so macho *zaman bujang2 dulu* and still is macho but turning into a soft hearted, loving and caring man. sebab ada 4 girls and a very lembut wife. :P sorry if we, girls sometimes give you headache with our shopping obsession, and fondness to chit chat. i do hope your vege garden turns right insyaAllah. you are the only man in my life. *well at least for now* and even if there is another man in my life one day insyaAllah, you will always have a special place in my heart. :)


now that you are retired, i realized that i'm turning old. that now, it is my responsible to take care of you and mama. not the other way round. i'm sorry for growing up so slow. i'm so sorry for not graduating yet. but i'm half way now, insyaAllah. and in another few years, it will be our time *your daughters* to work so hard. earning paychecks and stuff. and all you and mama have to do, is focus on your ibadah, and honeymoon for the rest of your lives. oh and yes, play with your grandkids for sure. and i'll try hard to give you lots and lots of grandsons insyaAllah. :P


p/s: no hidden message from this above picture. it's just that i do believe, a boy will change into a true man, when he finally becomes a father. just like our fathers. :)

#4

this is me; balik dari kuliyah everyday.

then, i enter into this strange, beautiful world; dreamland.