if tomorrow never comes.

" insecure. that's how i felt for the past 48 hours. it's like you dont feel safe at all. you become suspicious of everything and everyone seems to be more like a foe than a friend to you. your senses become sensitive. you learn to trust your instinct. you depend on those who are just totally different from you but all you have in common is this same feeling; insecurity "

" suddenly you talk with those you'd never talked to. you sleep with those you'd never slept with. you smile to almost everyone. those who you'd never thought will care for you, do care after all "

this is what i'd experienced a few months ago. these lines are from my diary which i wrote at that time 30/1/2011. of course, i cant just wrote everything in my diary here, for sure. but just now, as i was lepaking with irna, as we talked about how can this semester seems to be very short. and then we realized, what happened a few months ago. an experience, which to me was a bit traumatic. but I'd learned so much from it. so much. as we reminisce, all this feelings come back to me. and to irna too, for sure. :P

" last night, i didnt sleep. i woke up almost every hour just to check whether farhanah and in are breathing. i heard so many things. gunshots, people screaming and shouting, babies crying. and at all time, i cant help but thinking of ways of escaping in case someone breaks in our house. it was absurd. so many strategies were formed in my brain. as if you have so many things gushing into your mind all at once. suddenly, nothing else matters. . all you care is how to make it through the night. no further plans beyond that"

yes. we thought of nothing else. we just want to live. we just hope and pray that we can get out of the house, and go to another safer place. where there is lots of people. malaysian people. our people.

i thought of nothing else. suddenly i dont care what my future have for me. i dont care whether i'll become a doctor or not. i dont care if i will ever get married or not. i dont care what my results will turn out to be *sebab masa tu baru je habis exam* my dreams, my plans, whatever, i just dont care anymore. i just dont like being in this situation. i just want to get out of this situation. i just hope that all of us will be breathing tomorrow. that i will still have the opportunity to become a better person. oh allah, i promise i'll be better. because i'm just not ready to die yet. i dont think i've been a good muslim all these 20 years of my life. please. if only i can see my parents' faces one last time. i'm longing for them. i've been a very bad daughter indeed. i still need to do a lot of things for them. and to my sisters, i'm the worst eldest sister ever. so many times, i didnt show them my best example. and to my friends. yes, there are times that i do them wrong. if you just give me this second chance.

and i thought i was the only one who felt that way that night. turned out to be irna too, felt the same thing. and i'm sure, all of us who had experienced "the darkest night of egypt"- the time when all the banduans were running freely out in the streets, felt the same way, as i did.

and yet, when malaysia's government came to bring us back home. when we were safely back in our comfy home back in malaysia. when mubarak finally stepped down. when everything turns right again. when we started our studies again here, peacefully. maybe, these few months, just maybe, maybe we forget about things that happened that night. i know, i did forget some of the details. if irna and i didnt lepak at sun steffano after icdl, most probably, i will keep on forgetting the thoughts that i have that night. that maybe Allah is giving me a second chance. most probably, Allah is giving us all a second chance. just like how Allah gives egypt her second chance.

so yes, if, just let's say, what if tomorrow never comes, what are we plan to do?