emotion

what's the hardest part of being a doctor?

people thought that being a doctor, means you must be brave enough. brave enough to watch the endless river of blood, brave enough to cut someone's body, brave enough to look at all the unimaginable injuries, etc.

i have certain people telling me this too. i admit, i was scared, a little bit. but then, when i was in 2nd year, i went for my posting in a forensic department. i dare to say, it was not that scary at all. though, i did have some difficulties to close my eyes after my first day in forensic unit. after a few days, it was nothing. in fact, i did enjoy it immensely. dealing with the dead is, easier. practically, because we don't really deal with them at all. of course, forensic is not something to be taken lightly though. we're basically talking about medico-legal and stuff related to it.

therefore, being a doctor is not scary. *or maybe, the worst is yet to come* :P

i'm in my clinical years now. and that's when i realised, the hardest part of being a doctor, *at least for me* is to deal with my own emotion.

last week, as i did my patient history alone *since Dr Iman just love to leave each of us alone with a patient*, one patient thought i was a doctor. she wanted me to look at her files, and asked me, is she getting any better. i did browsed over her files, it seems that, her condition is improving. i didn't dare to say anything, so i just said, it seems ok, as she is doing her chemotherapy after all.

she seems happy with my answer, when suddenly she asked me will she'll get better as before or not.

i know, from what our doctors told us before. since we are now in haematology unit, most cases we're dealing with is leukemia. the doctors themselves, didn't tell the patients how serious the conditions are for them. in reality, once you are diagnosed with leukemia, you haven't left much time to live. especially here, in egypt.

looking at this patient's glowing eyes, desperately hoping for a miracle answer from me, i was numb for just about seconds. i really don't know what to say, so i said, you have to ask your own doctor. i am just a student. and she asked, what's my opinion. i couldn't answer. i just said "syafakillah, insyaAllah".

being in a haematology unit, you'll find that most of the leukemic patients, are young adolescents in their 20's. there are a few middle-aged patients, and this varies according to the type of leukemia.

and masyaAllah, in my opinion, leukemic patients are very beautiful and handsome indeed. their eyes seem bigger. they have radiant looking skin *it's pale actually, but a beautiful pale skin*. and if a young egyptian man is bald, they do look handsome, no kidding. * most of us agree with this* :P

my heart sinks when the doctors have very little hope for these patients. i wont call my feeling towards them is sympathy, but empathy. yes. my problem is, i am too understanding. as if i feel their pain. as i, myself is facing what they are facing. in reality, their pain is actually beyond my imagination.

i saw a male patient helplessly depending on his wife, for he is very sick. seeing his wife's worried eyes, i did for a moment, thought of my parents.

i saw the young leukemic patients, and i thought of my friend back in malaysia, who'd lost her best friend because of leukemia too.

therefore yes, the hardest part of being a doctor is to deal with your own emotion * i know, most of the guys wont face this kind of problem*

emotion shouldn't be a barrier for us to move forward. allah gives me this feeling for a reason. somehow, i know, insyaAllah, there is a good reason for it's existence. it's just that i have to figure out how to deal with it.

mama told me, "how can you face a patient, if you can't face your own emotions. How can you help them, if you're in such condition?".

she's right. *always*.

Empathy won't help to cure them. Allah will. have strong faith in Allah, that Allah will cure them, through our efforts in treating the patients, insyaAllah.

i understand now, that these 6 years of medical school, is not just to gain medical knowledge and such. It's the values and character building that will really help us in our career later on.