By The River Of Nile, I Sat Down & Contemplate.

Busted. I'm not by the river of Nile right now. Although I wish I were.

The truth is, here I am, sitting in front of my lappy, alone. Farhanah got a party that she needs to attend, and Irna, ran away to asrama with her newly called BFF. Not that I'm jealous or whatsoever. Technically I'm not really alone now that we have our newly adopted daughter, Miki Minah. 

She just woke up and begging me for food. Which then, forcing me to play with her. And I was like, "Miki, Ummi's trying to study here". Btw, we agreed that Farhanah is Mama, Irna is Ibu, and I can't think of any motherly title, so Ummi it is. 

Miki went away, as if she understood me and it turns out that, nope, I'm not studying and writing this post instead which I have no idea what I'm going to write about at this moment.

So, here it goes for nothing.

I recently read the latest post written by a famous blogger who I used to read when I was in first or second year. I stopped reading her blog because well, reading famous blogger's posts is not really in my interest. From what I remember, she's this sempoi lady, the kind of woman who doesn't give a crap about what others think of her. She's bold & honest indeed and that's just probably why she has so many people following her blog. I, myself think she's very mature and very rational, straight forward and not an emotional blogger. *which is a rare sight in blogger's world especially if you're a lady. I'm not being sexist towards my own kind.*

The last time I checked, she's a happily married woman, a working mom with one daughter. 

After a few years of me, not reading her blog, she got herself her second daughter and it turns out that she may be going through a divorce based on her latest post. I was shocked. Like literally shocked! I didn't expect her marriage life to turn out like this. I know she's not someone that I know personally, and I'm not one of her loyal followers but somehow, I didn't expect that from her.

I remember how she was so happy when she got married with a guy that she knows for quite sometime. *probably from her college years*. She acted so macho and cold as if getting married to her long time sweetheart is nothing, but obviously she can't hide her happiness & excitement. The post when she first finds out that she was pregnant and one when she's basically trying to struggle juggling things between her job & being a mom. Many times, her husband's name was mentioned in most of the posts and yeah like any other readers, I thought her life is just like any other typical woman, simple & sweet with some obstacles in between which is realistic, but still it's a happy life.

Knowing this, it just changes my whole perspective on marriage. Not that this is my first encounter. I've met & had known people who went through divorce before. I understand that when these things happened, it doesn't defines you as a person. It just that things are meant to happen and there's always reasons behind it. *I know, sounds cliche, but yet, it's a bitter truth*

Marriage is a serious matter. That one, I know, longggg time ago. Well, not that long honestly. But seriously, marriage is not like a house that you can rent and when the walls started to crack, or when the annoying neighbors bother you or worst case scenario, when the rats started to invade in, you can easily move out.

You've got to really think it through. One takes time to decide to jump into marriage *i know, i make it sounds like a suicide. But no, that's not my intention*. For some people, it takes days or month. For some, it takes yearrssss.

Me myself, I avoid this topic all the time, especially when my parents are the one who brings the subject up. It's not that I don't want to get married. Come on lah, kahwin kot. Sapa tak nak. No matter how independent you are, how introvert you are, you would want to get married eventually. Not for all, but yeah, it's applicable for most of the earth population unless you're living in a country where homosexual marriage is illegal, and yeah you're a homosexual of course, Naudzubillah.

It's not a matter of wanting or not. It's not a matter of whether you can commit your whole life with this one person or not. Though that sounds scary enough. It's about not knowing how things might turn out to be. A couple may be all lovey dovey at the beginning of the marriage, like semoga kekal sehingga jannah and all, but the marriage can't last even a decade in this life.

I'm not saying that divorce is a bad thing. Yes, but it is permissible. Although He hates this most, but it's permitted, and by that, we know that if it's something bad, Allah won't allow it. But He did, because He knows that in certain cases, divorce is necessary, in fact it might be a source of one's happiness. In cases like abusing spouses or when things just don't work out anymore no matter how hard you try and et cetera. It's not like when someone is divorced, they can't gain his/her happiness anymore. You move on. Just like when you face any other difficulties in this life.  

In my opinion, marriage is like an architect building her/his own retirement house. Imagine you're an architect and you're ready to settle down. You've been saving all your lifetime salaries & savings for this. A house that you imagine would lasts forever, that you can pass from generation to generation. So you did the plan of this house for quite sometime. You go through your plan everyday. And from time to time, you always change/modify something from your plan. You think double story is more comfortable. But single story is more than enough. You want to have this kind of view, but it will take some space. You changed your mind almost every time you look at the plan. The planning itself may take months, or even years. Because you want this house to be perfect. At least perfect for you & your family. You then realised that this planning is taking too much time, so you decided that no matter what, the construction should start as soon as possible despite of all your fear of the house might not turn out like what you imagine to be a perfect house.

So you sat down, by the river of Chengkau, and think of how you are going to finalise this home's plan. As you were looking far of the horizon at the view of Gunung Datuk that you can see from the river you noticed that, you can just stick with the plans that you worked so hard all this time. You acknowledge that it's not that perfect but then that's the very best plan that you can think of. But not's the end. Because when the house is finished, and you stayed there for awhile, a few years maybe, when things started to fall apart little by little, the pipes started to worn out, the room is not enough, now that there's new addition in your family, you can always repair here and there. Modifying the house according to your need when the problems come. 

You realised that you'll never have a perfect home's plan. But you can come out with the best that you can think of according to your financial situation and your need now, and be flexible near future when the house has some problems because realistically, you'll have problem sooner or later with the house. The house can't be like what it is when you first build it. It will change. By time, it will wears out by the weather & other factors. It will get tired. But when the problem come, worry not, you & your family can deal with it, because you already expect this. 

However, Nauzubillah min dzallik, the house might not lasts that long. It falls apart a few years after it's finished. Maybe not because of it's weak structure or bad plan that you'd designed. It's not even your fault at all. It's something beyond your control. Like an earthquake for example. When this happen, you need to remember that it's not your fault. The house is not meant to lasts. Due to reasons that only Allah knows.

And so is marriage. You can't expect that the marriage that you're going into would be perfect. No matter how long you plan or how many books you read, or how many people that you consult, marriage is not predictable. It differs from one individual to another. When you meet the right person, you just got to prepared as best as you can *you've got to be prepared even before you met the right person*, and go through it. Now and then, problem will come, but you deal with it accordingly together. And when things didn't work out anymore no matter what you do to repair your marriage, then you just got to accept that this marriage has comes to an end. Like the ruined house, most probably it's not your fault or anyone's fault. Things happen, and Allah always has the reasons.

At the end of the day, my point is marriage is not all rainbows & butterflies & unicorns. It's a mean towards Jannah, so it won't be that easy. But it won't be so difficult too. Nak dapat tiket ke syurga kot. Tiket mesti la mahal kan. 

I can coolly wrote this as if it's nothing when I really have no idea on what these things are like. Just my single premarital thought.

What I know is, I'm really not planning on marriage at this time, because no matter what I just said, I'm afraid, big time! I guess, I just need a Mr Right who can miraculously talk me into marriage with lots of istakharahs & duas of course. Yep. Maybe that's it.

K. bai.

*sambung buka buku*
Give me back my book, Miki!

Free Yourself From Your Memories.

I felt like it's been ages ever since my last post.
Not sure whether there's nothing interesting going on in  my life or I'm just not interested in writing anymore.
Very much the latter.

Ahhh, and so, final year. I don't like to call it as a final year of my med's school cause I pretty much planning on getting to medical school some more. Perhaps, a postgraduate maybe?

I decided for my final year OF MY UNDERGRADUATE, I would like to do less contemplations & more actions!

I pretty much failed in the very beginning.

Sleeping at asMARA *asrama MARA* few days ago, I kept being in my ex-room. Letting the memories rushing at once. That's just wrong.
It's not even that fun when I was in First Year. Half of the year I was struggling getting over my homesickness. And the other half of the year I was busy doing nothing, which ends up with me getting back to Malaysia, with my dad in the hospital.

Ahhh, but it's bittersweet. I was in my teens, and so innocent, and naive. Back in the days, when I genuinely think everyone and everything is nice in the world, this world is filled with rainbows and butterflies,,,,, and unicorns?

Paulo Coelho quoted in one of his book -“It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory”

I mean, how can I actually free myself from these memories.

*overly-psycho groupmates*

*overly-dramatic housemates*

*overly-attached-girlfriend*

Each time after we had some fun moment together, someone mentioned, "We're going to miss these moments when we're outta here".

Wrong. Because I miss you guys already. Aaawww.


Ok. I'm getting over this. For awhile. :p

10 minit.

Sepuluh, sembilan, lapan.

Amad masih diam lagi. Selesai sahaja mandi, Amad duduk termenung di beranda wad hospital. Nak tegur, takut dihalau. Amad garang sewaktu jiwanya gelisah. Biarlah. Nak buat macam mana. Bukan salah aku, bukan? Dua bulan kami berkampung di wad ini, namun aku terasa asing sekali. Ini bukan rumah kami. Hatta, berapa lama pun kami di sini, aku tidak akan biasa dengan tempat ini.

Tujuh, enam, lima.

Aku cuba juga nak pujuk Amad. Tapi, kata-kata yang sesuai susah untuk disusun. Kalau ya pun aku tak tahu apa nak cakap, semuanya tak terluah. Aku sedar kalau aku cakap apa-apa pun, tidak mungkin dapat menghilangkan rasa sakit yang Amad rasa. Sakit yang susah untuk difahami bagi mereka yang tidak mengalami situasi seperti ini.

Empat, tiga.

Alunan suaraku membaca dua tiga ayat suci Al-Quran, memecah kesunyian bilik wad kecil ini. Amad selalu kata, dia suka dengar suara aku. Mungkin ini dapat menenangkan hati dan perasaan Amad. Matanya yang berkaca terkebil-kebil menatap wajahku. Amad tak boleh tipu. Cukup jelas sekali Amad takut. Kasihan Amad. Jiwa aku terseksa melihat keadaannya pada ketika ini.

Dua.

Amad sudah tak punya banyak waktu. Jari-jemariku membelai lembut rambut hitamnya. Sayang. Amad muda, tapi terpaksa melalui semua ini. Allah tak bagi dugaan lebih dari kemampuan hambaNya. Amad hebat, sebab itu Allah bagi ini semua pada Amad.

Satu.

Teringat pesananku pada Amad semalam.

"Jaga anak-anak kita bang. Jangan marah mereka banyak sangat, budak lagi anak-anak kita. Jangan lupa ziarah ibu dan bapa Pah. Cukuplah seorang anak yang mereka hilang. Capailah impian abang yang abang selalu idam-idamkan tu. Pah tahu, abang boleh buat. Buktikan pada mereka, suami Pah hebat. Minta maaf bang. Halalkan makan minum Pah. Terima kasih sebab jaga Pah dengan elok selama ini. Dan....dan... jangan salahkan diri abang. Ini semua bukan salah abang...... Ini..... ini... semua ketentuan Illahi......."

 Aku tahu, Amad redha untuk melepaskan aku pergi.

Aneh. Suaraku mula hilang sedikit demi sedikit. Ku cuba untuk jerit, namun tiada apa yang keluar dari mulut.
Bersediakah aku menemuiNya?
Cukupkah bekalan aku di dunia?
Seluruh badan ku sejuk.
Sakit. Allah, sakitnya.
Lemah bibirku mengucap dua kalimah syahadah.
Gelap.

Here I Come.

Dear Hospital Wards,
I don't mine spending my time with you.

Yours, sincerely.

Summer is here, and all I hear is raindrops.

75 days

6,480,000 seconds

108,000 minutes

1800 hours

10 weeks 

Studying ophthalmology is one of the etiology for strabismus/squint?

There are few things that I've learned these past few weeks.

1. It is wrong for one to read Gatsby during Charity Dinner. That's just so rude. Even if it's The Great Gatsby, this is no excuse. Socialize politely.
2. IBS literally spoils it all. Dealing with stress seems harder these days. I thought I already overcome this IBS thingy. 
3. My lacrimal gland is abnormally big. It's healthy btw, Alhamdulillah
4. I should get out from my comfort zone. 
5. But I don't think I'm ready. 
6. And that's just another lame excuse from me.

Bye.

Datang & Pergi.

Ahhh. Gelora dalam jiwa. Siapa tahu?
Nah, kalau aku cerita, ada kau boleh bantu? 
Sakit aku, sakit aku. Bukan kau yang di tempat aku. 
Empati kau tinggi gunung? Peduli apa aku. 

Dan demi sesungguhnya! Kami tetap menguji kamu (wahai orang-orang yang mengaku beriman) sehingga ternyata pengetahuan Kami tentang adanya orang-orang yang berjuang dari kalangan kamu dan orang-orang yang sabar (dalam menjalankan perintah Kami) dan (sehingga) Kami dapat mengesahkan (benar atau tidaknya) berita-berita tentang keadaan kamu. (Surah Muhammad: ayat 31)

Barangkali penat. Letih. Tak larat.
Kaki makin berat. Kepala makin pening.
Kerja makin tambah.
Masa makin kurang. 
Malas mula menguasai.
Futur kah? Lalai kah? Alpa kah?

(Ingatlah) bahawa kehidupan dunia (yang tidak berdasarkan iman dan takwa) hanyalah ibarat permainan dan hiburan dan jika kamu beriman serta bertakwa, Allah akan memberikan kamu pahala amal kamu dan Dia tidak meminta kepada kamu harta benda kamu (melainkan untuk memberikan kamu barang yang lebih baik daripadanya). (Surah Muhammad: ayat 36)

Maafkan aku.
Acapkali aku tenggelam dalam emosi.
Menganggap masalah sendiri sebesar bumi.
Butakah aku pada insan lain di sekeliling?
Jihad mereka yang memerlukan pengorbanan dari semua segi.
Jihad aku? Huh. 
Kononnya aku lah yang paling derita.
Tapi bila gelak ketawa, amboi, tak ingat dunia.
Kebahagiaan palsu, takkan tahan lama.

Malunya aku, jika engkau ada pada saat ini. 
Apalah sangat kesusahan aku kini.
Sakit dikau tak terperi.
Namun tak pernah sekali engkau berhenti.
Atas dasar cinta mu pada Illahi,
Semuanya seakan-akan manis sekali.

Ya. Mungkin aku akan futur lagi.

Mungkin aku akan jatuh lagi. 

Mungkin jua aku akan kuat nanti.

Berkat doa & usaha, akan ku terbang tinggi.

أم

I always enjoy talking in the car throughout any journey . When all my sisters were asleep at the back of our small humble car back then, I prefer to read. Or talk. In a way, it's a strategy to avoid my father from getting sleepy. So, I tried to keep him awake. 
Sometimes, when my eyes are strained from reading too much, or when I'm too tired from talking, asking random questions and singing, I too, surrendered in my slumber.

When I was about 10 or 11 or so, as we were in the car on our way back to KL from Kota Bharu,
my mom blurted out something after I'd just finished telling them some stories. I have no recall on what exactly it was, something about me explaining to them about my Kemahiran Hidup's homework, but what I do remember is mom saying that,
"Hur, I believe you'll make a good doctor one day",

12 years after, here am I, still not a doctor, but in a process of being one, insya Allah.

It's amazing how a mother knows their children like the back of her hand. Mothers read their children like a book. Feels your pain without you telling them. They are the happiest when you are happy. They believe you when no one does. Willing to sacrifice just about anything, and yet feel like they lose nothing if it's for you.

Mothers. 

We've heard great stories of  mothers in the past.

Take Hajar, the wife of prophet Ibrahim A.S for example. How she solely survived the heat of the dry land Makkah with her infant son. For seven times repetitively, running back and forth from Safa to Marwa in search for a drop of water for her beloved son, prophet Ismail A.S. How she genuinely understand that her husband does not leave her alone with their son at that time for no reason.

She asked him: "Did Allah command you to do so?" 
He replied: "Yes." 
Then his great wife said: "We are not going to be lost, since Allah, Who has commanded you, is with us."

Trust me, if you ever experience the heat of Sahara, for Hajar to go through all  this without complaining, sounds too good to be true. And yet, this is the truth.

Mothers nowadays, may not have to go through like what Hajar did. This does not mean that they did not sacrifice anything. 

How many mothers you know who stop chasing their youthful dreams just because the condition of their children demand them to forget their dreams and concentrate in taking care of her children.
How many mothers who work their butt off day and night just to provide their children the best comfort of life and still come back home from all the stress in her workplace to clean her house, and cook meals for everyone and at the end of the day, she is the last one who went to bed.
How many mothers who are really hurt with her children doings but prefer not to say anything for she accepts what they are and believe that one day her own children will change.
How many mothers who stay late at night to perform solat tahajjud, solat hajat, reads yassin and pray hard every single night without fail in hope that Allah protects her children wherever they are. 

And yet, we are lost in this dunya in search of one true love. Claiming that no one really loves us. That no one understands us. It is heart breaking to hear such statement. Your mother's precious genuine love is for you, and only you, since birth. But no. Not all of us realize this fact.

I'm not a feminist, but if one may ask what is the best thing of being a woman, it is having the chance of being a mother. And if you are a man, what's the best thing of being a man, it is having the chance to help your wife being a mother.

In fact, we are just so ever lucky to own a mother. Alhamdulillah.

You may ask any mother in this whole wide world, and they will enlighten you with their own unique stories of motherhood. How motherhood turn them into a real woman. Thus, becoming a significant person in this world. For all wonderful great people should thank their mothers for contributing in their success in so many ways.

Their love, their patience, their virtue, their wisdom, their hardship is worth to be appreciated every single day.

Today, or tomorrow, or later as you step inside your house, go and search your mother. Hug them like you never hug them before. Kiss them softly. Once on her forehead. Once on her right cheek. Another one on her left cheek. Look straight into her crystal clear eyes. Ask her to forgive you for all your wrong-doings. Let  her know  that you forgive her too if she did ever wronged you which is very unlikely. Make her believe strongly, that deep inside your heart, you love her so much. Not as much as she loves you. But still, you love her too. Never forget to pray for her every time after you perform your salah.

Repeat this as much as possible, every time you get the chance of doing so.
While you still can.

Happy mother's day.
and happy father's day too. 

Always remember, without your father, your mother wouldn't be a mother :) 

Of course without Allah's help, none of these seems possible. 

Worrywart

 “When Allah wants to be good to someone, He tries him with some hardship.” (Abu Hurairah)

The front door of a mosque in Medan, Indonesia 2011

General advice from Prophet Muhammad (sall’allahu alayhi wasallam) when you are in distress or suffering from anxiety:

In hadith #599 narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas in Sunan Abu Dawood, The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: If anyone continually asks pardon, Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress, and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide for him from where he did not reckon.

Salam Jumuaah, fatabarakallah.

Lost Love, In Time.

“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.
Life has to end," she said. "Love doesn't.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven


My thirst for adventure is unquenchable. It is what keeps me alive. 
The adrenaline that rushes through your every vein. 
The sweat that runs on your skin. 
The expanded distance that you walk. 
The thoughts just keep flowing.
You know, your existence is significant.

I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was 12.
Now I know, it is not because of my obsession to Relic Hunter. It is more than just a TV series.

Why do I have this affinity to vast empty spaces?
Probably because beyond the never-ending horizon & emptiness,
Lies enchanting stories beyond imagination. 

Beneath the hot fiery sun by the day
And  twinkling stars sputter in colour by the night
Above that crackled barren land
The dryness it brings to your skin & tongue
On my bed of stones,
As I shivered and turned my back to the fierce wind,
I understand now, for what I enjoy most 
is the idea of possibilities that it brings.

As Mr Imad told us the story of Adam & Eve,
After we waited for the sun to set on the English Mountain.
Separated across the continents, yet, manage to find each other.
I wonder why is the first tale on earth, is a love story. Not the murder of Abel by Cain.
A lost love, meant to be found.
A sun rises, and sets, and rises again.

Beautiful Night

73

“The love that defies, the love for two older strangers who came from afar and will already have left tomorrow for a path she would also like to walk. Love prefers adventure.”

-The three forms of love (Eros)

Day 73

Fly Fwen, Fly!

A friend of mine, named Fwen *bukan nama sebenar*, told me how Fwen really wanted to fly during Fwen's childhood days. Fwen really thought of jumping down a cliff and see whether Fwen can really fly or not.

 No. Fwen is not one of the Wright's brothers or sisters.

Today, as I walked in the middle of a busy Cairo's street, After we drank asir that tasted so sweet that I pray it wont cost me diabetes especially since diabetes runs strongly in my family line. Most of us picked asir sobia bifaraullah. 

Oh, where was I just now? Ah yes. Walking down the street, busy road.

I saw a flock of birds flying around as I gaze up the sky. They have this peculiar habit of flying around in circle over & over again. I really wish someone comes up with a scientific explaination for this. For I might then understand why I like to go around in circle too.

One thing I'd never told Fwen is that I know why Fwen wanted to fly like a bird so much. It is so that Fwen can just fly away from somewhere or from something or from someone whenever Fwen feels like to do so, without having to give any explaination at all. For Fwen is a bird. And a bird job is to fly.

First Day, 4th March '13,
Abasiyyah Malaysian Building,
Cairo, Egypt.

Di Mana Bumi Dipijak, Di Situ, tidak semestinya, Hati itu Ada

I've been dormant for awhile. It was a period of abstinence of which I always like to describe.

So here I am, by the end of my 9th Semester out of 12 semester. Just finished my final exam.

Just drained out of all the medical related things after I vomited it all yesterday, on my final paper. Though I do pray it embedded in my mind for the rest of my life.

Just drained out of emotion too, for one by one of my friends went to their respective destinations. It hurts. When you were left all alone. You woke up, with no one beside you. No sound of early morning random laughing. No screaming to each other. No one to solat jemaah with. It just sad. Oh well. It's life. Or, it could be hormonal.

My plan? Well, I'm not very much a planner. After quite some times, I've changed I guess. That doesn't mean I do have a complete plan. I guess, I just love to deny. Or am deeply confused. Most of the times.

Packed my bags, which I've never really packed this much before. I was always a light traveler. But this time, I thought, "Hey, why don't I unleash the feminine side of mine". And plonked everything I own inside a bag, including all the socks that I own, all the lotions, creams, shampoo and an iron, which is hello a very essential traveling item which a typical lady needs. Wow, I've never did this. A new lady achievement, well done!

Thought of bringing all the new novels that I haven't read. But then, a typical lady, won't bring lots of books. That's what a typical nerd do. I guess two will do. Not so much of a nerd.

Plus I would very much want to interact more with the locals, rather than drown myself inside all the fantasies which I found very unhealthy just recently. *Aha, don't want to make it sound sarcastic*

Anywho, Hello World! I hope you do be nice to me. For, I may have forgotten the basic interaction with the homosapiens ever since I was in my cave for the past few months.

Quran 6:11, “Say, Travel in the earth”

On which we establish the knowledge resulting from traveling in an art called “Travel writing”.  Muslims were interested in such art and traveled the earth.  ”Say, Travel in the earth.”

P/S: Jangan lupa to solat sunat musafir. Rugi tak buat. Doa makbul, in syaa Allah. Pray for me too :)